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Watch a recent Webinar “Homework Hassles and How to Help”
Your children bring home their school backpack full of empty lunch boxes and crumpled paper. But It’s also full of a lot of feelings. You can help your child unpack these feelings, so that they return to school with a lighter load, and more space for learning.
Homework is one of those perpetual challenges for parents (and children!) Parents, children and even teachers will often say they don’t like it, and after a long day at school, our children often don’t want to do it. But whatever you think about whether there is any point in it, homework is something that we have to manage once our children are at school.
We believe you can meet these challenges and help your child in ways that will build their intelligence, enthusiasm and joy. Homework does not have to be a dreadful battleground, and you can stay close to your children and have fun with them as you help.
You can offer some much needed attention
Parents have a key role to play here. Children learn best when they feel connected and appreciated. The ratio of adults to children in most formal learning environments means that children don’t get nearly enough 1-1 attention while they undertake the tasks which are assigned to them in school, or for homework.
If you have the time and the patience, staying nearby or sitting down with your child to provide a warm, gentle, encouraging presence can make a bit difference to how well they can work.
You may be able to provide technical assistance, but…
Sometimes, you will be able to help with some specific task: maths problems, how to research, what to write. But given busy family lives, where we are often juggling the demands of our own paid work, It can be hard to find the time.
Other times, we really don’t know how to help with the tasks they are bringing home. The way our children are taught is often quite different from the way we learned. Or perhaps we grew up in a different country, and are unfamiliar with the systems of education our children are in. Or maybe we don’t even speak the language well enough to help.
It’s emotional
Providing technical assistance is helpful if you know how. But the challenges with homework are, more often than not, emotional rather than technical.
Research increasingly suggests that it is the emotional environment that is most important to learning. Children’s difficulties with homework may be about much deeper issues and concerns – with classroom dynamics, bossy or harsh teachers, social problems, bullying. And we adults all have our own stories about learning and schools which affect how we feel about our children’s experiences at school, which can make it difficult for us to help them.
Connection, connection, connection
Connection is the thing that greases the wheels of family life. It’s also the thing that greases the cogs of learning. Human beings function better when they have a strong sense of connection. And we learn better when we feel connected. Homework struggles are no different from any other parenting challenge. When your child feels connected, they may be able to tackle the homework, if not with gusto, then at least with good intentions.
You’ve probably noticed that your kids like the teachers who a they connect with, and learn best in their classes. But school doesn’t provide nearly enough opportunity for a child to fill their connection cup. Even the best teachers have way too many children in their class to easily be able to provide the one-on-one assistance and encouragement that children need. And they certainly won’t have time to pay attention to upsets – to listen through the emotional difficulties and frustrations that crop up for children around learning and school.
Your very special role
Rather than providing technical assistance, the very special role that parents can play is to provide a sense of connection that children need.
Special Time – a one-on-one playtime – is a great way to boost the sense of connection for your child before they tackle homework. They can put down the challenges of the day and set their own agendas, with an adult who will, for a short time, do whatever they want to do! This is a big break from the relentless routine of school, where children are offered few choices of activity, and generally have to do what they are told.
A good physical roughhouse or bit of fun – playlistening – can also replenish your child’s sense that you are on their side, to help give them to confidence and resource to tackle homework after a long day at school.
Upsets are important
But the really big help we can offer our children is to provide our children with an opportunity to work through difficult feelings and frustrations which get in the way of learning. These feelings may have accumulated during the school day – tensions and challenges around learning and social interactions. But they may also have their roots in much earlier experiences of stress in your child’s life. One way or another, these feelings can be triggered by school, or by having to do homework. Your children bring home their school backpack full of empty lunch boxes and crumpled paper. But It’s also full of a lot of feelings. You can help your child unpack these feelings, so that they return to school with a lighter load, and more space for learning.
Because one thing Homework is good for is upsets!
Connecting with your children is important and may make it easier for them to get down to homework. But sometimes, you will need to set a limit: “Sweetheart, you can’t put it off any more. It’s time to do some homework.”
You’ll need to stay close and warm. And you’ll need to expect upsets. Especially if you have spent some time reconnecting with your child, and “filling their cup of connection”, the feelings about learning, or about anything, may be close to the surface. When you warmly and relaxedly hold out a limit – “It’s time to do homework now”, you may find that these feelings bubble up.
The feelings which come up for your child around homework may be specifically about learning. Learning new things is frustrating, and the best way to relieve frustration is a good, solid tantrum! And those feelings could also be about any number of other challenges that your child has encountered through the day, or at some earlier time in their life.
As Patty Wipfler, founder of HandinHand Parenting (Palo Alto) says:
“[Your child] has collected emotional tension from many incidents that didn’t go well during the day. In addition, she’s got some feelings that set up residence inside her many years ago — for example, being afraid of making mistakes; feeling like life is unfair (a very common feeling for children with siblings) or feeling too tired to function. She has her own particular flavors of feelings that arise when she’s under stress.
Every day, her experience is painted with these negative interpretations of reality. Today’s homework assignment provides the perfect peg on which to hang the feelings she’s carried along for years. Plan for this.”
When this happens, you don’t need to stress! Your child is offloading emotional tension which is getting in the way of their learning. You can confidently stay close and listen – Staylisten – without blame, criticism or judgement. Don’t try to stop your child’s expression of upset. It is an emotional storm they need to get through in order to tackle the task at hand – in this case, homework. On the other side of it, your child will be able to think better, and may be able to tackle the task with more ease.
How do you feel?
We all were little once. Most of us went to school, and had more-or-less difficult learning experiences when we were young. We carry those feelings with us, and they bubble up when our children struggle. It’s helpful to have a place where you can off-load your frustrations, work through your feelings, and think about how to tackle challenges.
Joining a Support Call can be a great way to get company on the journey. You’ll meet via Zoom with a small group of other parents, led by Madeleine, to have your questions answered and get much needed Listening Time. Find out more here.
Get even more help
The online, self-guided course offered by HandinHand Parenting, “Setting Limits and Building Co-operation” will give you useful information about how to use connection and play and listening to shift your child’s big feelings about learning and homework. Consisting of three “classes”, you will learn about why setting limits – around learning, homework, or practically anything – can be difficult, and how use the Hand in Hand Listening Tools to provide reassurance and build connection through play, and to listen to sadness and upsets. For $US55, it’s a real bargain.
In a Parenting Consultation with Madeleine , I can help you understand how to apply the HandinHand approach to your particular family circumstances. I can get a sense of your parenting challenges, and help you make a connection plan that will help resolve the tensions in family life, and have more fun.
Not sure what to do?
You weren’t meant to parent alone and I would love to help.
Book a Free Short Consultation now!
Listening Tools
In her presentations, Madeleine talks about how you can use the HandinHand Listening Tools to build closeness and tackle your parenting challenges. Download helpful PDF’s on:
The Hand in Hand Toolbox
Staylistening
Special Time
Listening Partnerships
Download a copy of the slides for Madeleine’s talks or Webinar on “Homework Hassles and How to Help” here
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Would you like some help? Book a Free Short Consultation now!
References:
*1 Wipfler, P. (n.d.). Homework Struggles: Lightening the Homework Load. Retrieved October 25, 2017.
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©2021 by Madeleine Winter.
The featured image above is “Homework is too upsetting” by Artranq
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