I often talk about our “Relationship Bank Accounts”.  We have several – with each of the members of our family, in various combinations, and with our friends and acquaintances. The currency in those Bank Accounts is Connection, and we need to be making deposits regularly, in small and big ways.

That’s because the challenges in life (including setting a limit) eat up Connection Credit. Those challenges can be personal, within our family, or can come from outside the family.

And  good sense of connection will also help your child through times when big feelings are getting in the way of their ability to think, or their ability to make workable decisions, or stay out of trouble.  So how does this Bank Account work?

Relationship Bank Accounts – In brief

(Dot points for busy parents)

• • Problems in your child’s behaviour need to be understood in the context of your overall relationship with your child.
  • Your relationship with your child is like a bank account: and the credit in that bank account is connection. When the Connection Credit is too low, then everything gets harder – problems crop up and solutions are harder to apply.
  • Things go better when your child feels that you are on his side and feels well connected to you. At these times, there is plenty of Connection Credit in the Bank Account.
  • Limit setting is something you need to do regularly (these can be big-deal “limits to keep things safe” or everyday “course-corrections”). And every time you set a limit, you use up Connection Credits.
  • So it is good to pay regular attention to the credit in your Relationship Bank Account, and not wait until there is a crisis (i.e a time when a limit really needs to be set).
  • This also means that sometimes, you might choose not to set a limit, because you know that the Connection Credits are low. Instead, you might do something that improves the credit in the relationship.  If the limit is important, you’ll be likely to get another chance to set it – hopefully at a time when you have more credit to work with.
  • This does not mean that you have to endlessly put up with your child’s unworkable behaviour, but it does mean that you need to work to ensure that there is enough of a sense of connection in your relationship.
  • When you do need to set limits this sense of connection will help make the process effective and forward moving.
  • A lack of a sense of connection may make worse, or may be part of the cause of, your child’s unworkable behaviours.
  • Within and around your family, there are a number of relationships, each with their own Relationship Bank Account. Each of these Bank Accounts needs to be kept “in credit”, but sometimes you can “borrow” from another account.

Behaviour problems are often rooted in feelings

Parents often come to me worried about some aspect of their child’s behaviour.  These difficulties are often caused by underlying feelings.  For your child, those feelings may include a sense of disconnection (which can arise for any number of reasons), of not being seen and acknowledged, or some emotional tension which is getting in the way of your child’s good thinking and good functioning.  Persistent difficulties and snarls may be a sign that your child’s sense of connection with you has worn thin and is at a low ebb.

You’ve tried and been unsuccessful

By the time you get to me, more often than not you’ve tried a few things to try to solve the problem, and they haven’t really worked. The problem is likely to be persistent and showing up regularly. There’s history, and things might have become tense and difficult in your relationship with your child. Or maybe it was always a bit like that, and adding this extra challenge feels too hard.

There’s no “quick fix”.

I wish there was a “quick fix” for this, but in decades of working with parents I haven’t managed to find those magic words or approach.

I have found that if you have a problem which has been hanging around for a while, you’ll need a plan, and patience. You’ll need to hone your skills in limit-setting and connection-building in your relationship with your child.

Focus on connection.

When things are difficult it’s very tempting to “get tough” and focus on limiting the unworkable behaviour. However, connection really is the grease that keeps family life running smoothly. Focussing on connection, rather than limit setting, will warm things up and smooth things out. Sometimes this is enough to resolve the difficulty – the “grease” of connection is applied, and suddenly something which was hard gets done without a drama or particular difficulty.

Limits are necessary

At the same time, firm limit setting is sometimes in order. Limits don’t have to be loud, mean and forceful to work.  Limits that are set warmly are generally more effective.

It’s worth understanding what a limit really is – and what helps it work well.

Limits act as an “immovable barrier” on the road down which your child is travelling. She is driven down that road by her feelings, and your limit forces those feelings up to the surface. More often than not, when you bring a limit, your child will get upset. This is (mostly) a sign of progress; upsets really are the pathway to co-operation, clearing out accumulated emotional tension which is getting in the way of your child’s good thinking.

Getting the Balance right

When limit setting is balanced with connection-building, you should find that there are fewer snarls. When you do need to move in with a limit, it will be a productive process, building and strengthening your relationship with your child, rather than wearing it out.

It’s a kind of balance – I call it the Relationship Bank Balance. You need to build the balance by adding “connection credits”. When you need to set a limit, you are making a withdrawal, borrowing from the credit you have built.

Depositing Connection Credits

What builds credit? Special Time is an extremely efficient way to build Connection Credit. It’s an announced, timed 1-1 adult-child playtime (your child should not have to share your attention). You put aside distractions and offer your warmth and enthusiasm as you follow your child’s lead in play.

As our children get older, they may be less open to direct offers of Special Time. So you will need to notice when they do invite you in – they might have some computer game they excitedly want to tell you all about, or they choose some music to listen to as you are driving somewhere, and you can be interested in knowing more about the artist, or the genre, or just enjoy listening to it with them. (Don’t let your “interest” take over, though. The interaction needs to be about them, not you. You’re accepting their invitation to pay attention to something they are interested in. It’s a bit like matching your stride to theirs when walking together.)

A quick tussle: Family roughhousing, where you engage your child in a physical tussle where you meet them with just a little less strength than they have. In other words, mostly, you need to lose. That said, sometimes your child will need you to put up a reasonable fight – they are literally looking for something to push against – so that they can test their strength and agility. A pushover isn’t much fun to play with.

This sense of power and strength, coupled with connection and warmth, is extremely important. It’s a key emotional need, offering a sense of security and furnishing resilience. Experiencing it physically, in play with you, will give a child important resource for experiencing it emotionally: even when big fears come up, they can connect with a sense of power, and know that while things might feel scary right now, they have got what it takes not to be overwhelmed.

Away days and outings: These might be planned by your child, and you do your best to follow their lead and to enjoy them. The attitude you need to take is similar to Special Time – you will impose as few limits, and offer as few directions and suggestions as possible. (As Taylor Swift sings about “The Best Day Ever” with her mum). Note: it’s not Special Time proper – because if you are hanging out for hours, it will be necessary and inevitable that you will need to make suggestions or offer redirections. But you can decide to make these as minimal as possible.

Family dinner-times: Be warned, though, that the formality of meal time and the feelings we adults have about food and family time may actually make this a less successful option for building connection credits. Younger children, also, may not have the attention span, or ability to participate in such a formal way of connecting. It’s best done with older children. Take a relaxed approach, and find a way for everyone to contribute.

Extended family time: Holidays or weekends away, where everyone is free of the pressures of the normal routine. As children get older, these longer times together, low-level and undemanding, become more important. They are out in the world without us more, and need a certain amount of hanging out in the same space, without an agenda, for a base level of connection to be replenished.

Making small deposits

It doesn’t always need a lot of effort to make a deposit…Any small way you can have things “go their way” without it costing you much (in time or money or effort). This doesn’t mean being permissive – limits are important and need to be set. But if it costs you little, you can put them in charge – of the way home, of what movie to watch tonight, of what to have for dinner.

Sometimes doing small chores for them can go a long way; (especially as they get old enough to do it themselves). Making my daughter’s lunch for school meant that she got a little more sleep – so important in adolescence – but it also meant that opening her lunch box later in the day would remind her of how I care about her – a dollop of connection in the middle of the day. (I never got this together, but some parents put little surprises in the lunchbox – an even bigger dollop…)

Borrowing Credit

Your child needs a “direct line in” to every significant and important adult in her life. Within and around a family, there will be several “Relationship Bank Accounts” which need to be tended. It doesn’t work particularly well if one parent is the limit-setter, and the other the good time gal/guy. So it’s great, for instance, if your child builds a Special Time relationship separately with each of their parents, so there is a buffer in each relationship to help get through the tough times.

However, sometimes an imbalance is unavoidable. It can be tedious and irritating for you if the other parent isn’t building connection credit, but using a lot of credit with limit setting and harshness. But it’s often not feasible to control the other parent.   So short of that, you can somewhat compensate by building extra credit in your own relationship with your child. This gives your child a little “reserve” to draw on when other relationships get hard.

And in even the best functioning family, there needs to be a bit of give and take. If one adult in the household is having an especially busy time at work, or is travelling, or dealing with something challenging, then the other adults can compensate by more actively topping up connection credits. This won’t work really well long term, but is fine as a short term plug.

Making a Connection Plan

A Connection Plan will help you manage your Relationship Bank Account – making sure that it remains “in the red” and that you have not made too many withdrawals without making some deposits. There are times in our family routines, and events in our lives and in the world which will likely drain the Bank Account. You can probably predict the times when Connection Credits might get low. These are times like the end of the day, the end of the school term, getting ready for a family event or occasion, the challenges of packing and travelling, illness, someone losing or changing their job. There are number of stressors on your child, yourself, or your family. Knowing that these events will drain connection, in preparation, or over that period, you can plan to “bump up” the amount of Special Time you are doing to build up some credit.

What ways have you found to build connection in your family? I’d love to hear your stories.

No need to go it alone!

Madeleine loves to help: why not book a Free 20 Minute Consultation, and she can help direct you to the best resources and support.

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