Is your child getting frustrated about something they want or have to learn? Are they giving up trying something that you think they would like to do if they weren’t feeling so frustrated? Are they starting to say things like “I’m no good at [insert Maths, puzzles, skipping etc]? Are they disappointed in, or critical of, themselves if the results of their efforts are not “perfect”? Or are the not willing to try if they aren’t sure they know how to do something?

None of us want our children to become discouraged or to give up on things that are challenging or important just because it feels hard.  How can we help them?

On the learning edge

Young people are learning machines. When they are encouraged, supported and not humiliated and ridiculed, they are constantly on their “learning edge”. When children feel connected and relaxed then learning comes easily to them. They are interested, excited, set goals, make mistakes and pick themselves up to try again.

Sometimes they need technical help

Sometimes, children do need technical assistance. Perhaps they need help understanding what they are being asked to do. Or with how to break down tasks into smaller, more achievable stages. Perhaps they need additional information or skill development. An example is where they are struggling with a maths problem because they did not learn some more fundamental or basic concept or skill.

If they are school aged, it’s always good to talk with your child’s teachers about this. Good teachers appreciate feedback on how things are going at home, and should have the specific understandings, skills and strategies to help with these kinds of problems with learning.

Feelings of frustration build up

However, there’s a very special role you can play, which most teachers will not have the time to do, though they will try their best.

Some, if not most, of the difficulty children have with learning comes from accumulated feelings of frustration and discouragement. These feelings are normal – they aren’t necessarily a sign that there is something fundamentally wrong with the learning environment or with your child. They are just the feelings which tend to come up when you are trying to do something you aren’t yet good at or you have not yet worked out how to do it.

Frustration is a biggie for young people, and sometimes hard for grown-ups to understand. As adults, we know so much about the world, and have so much prior experience to draw on. This eases the challenge when we encounter a new experience or are learning new things.

How long since you tried something new?

It’s not a bad thing as an adult to embark on learning something that is completely new.  This will give us a glimpse of what it’s like most of the time for our children.

I’ve tried to learn several kinds of musical instruments over the years.  Unfortunately, I just couldn’t find the time to put into mastering any of them. But I also noticed how excruciating it is to try to accomplish something that I can’t quite do yet.  Trying to get my fingers to hit the strings of the violin in the right place felt…hard…and VERY frustrating.

Learning things is inherently frustrating.  And frustration is an antsy, uncomfortable feeling!  As an adult, I’m not just feeling what happens when I try to make my fingers do something they have never done before. I’m also remembering, sometimes consciously but often unconsciously, all the other times I tried to learn something new.  And often with that, old feelings come flooding in – a sense of frustration and difficulty which I never had a chance to “process” or “neutralise” when I first experienced them.

Just like us when we are trying new things, our children may also be “pulling up” earlier, difficult, experiences of learning.  It’s almost inevitable, given how much there is for them to learn.

Encouragement can help

Faced with a learning challenge, our children may need us to get close, and encourage them to keep going. Sometimes the encouragement, and the connection you offer at this time, is enough to “grease the wheels” and they will be able to pick themselves up and have another try.

Tantrums are the release of frustration

Other times, our warm encouragement might not quite get them over the difficulty, but it will make it safe for them to have an upset.  A tantrum is an incredibly efficient way to release pent up frustration.

As Patty Wipfler says in her booklet “Tantrums and Indignation”:

“When we allow a child’s tantrum to run its full course, he is freed from the tension that clogs his learning process. A frustrated child makes the same mistakes over and over. He cannot accept help from anyone. After a healthy tantrum, a child relaxes and returns to the joys of learning and cooperation. Tantrums play an important role in keeping children hopeful about their ability to learn. Given this outlet, they don’t have to walk away from challenges whenever the learning process becomes difficult.”^[1]

 

Cheerful Incompetence

At other times, we can also can help by taking a playful approach.  Our goal is to “turn the tables” and find a way that our child can step up into the role of the “confident one”.

This works for a couple of reasons.  First, it gives our children a break from always being less knowledgeable, less competent, smaller and weaker.

Secondly, it gives them a chance to laugh at us. We adults are often so chronically competent, so careful of making mistakes.  We’ve learned that it’s important to (mostly) look like we know what we are doing.  We probably came by this the hard way – by being humiliated and unsupported when we were trying to learn new things.

So when we lighten up about “getting it right” it’s just an enormous relief for children.  We can bumble around a bit, look confused, ask for help, directions and instructions.  If we are lucky, it will make our children laugh – being around adults who are so chronically sure of themselves is just a little bit frightening if you are a small person.

When we do this, our children are not confused.  They know that we are the grown-ups, and that we (mostly) know what we are doing and can be relied on when it is important.  But they will be keen to play the game with us, because it gives them a chance to be brave and strong, and to help us.

It works even better if we adopt a cheerful tone as we experiment with incompetence.  This also gives our children a break from the tone of seriousness that tends to collect around “getting it right”.

In this story, when her child gives up even before he starts, the mother play-acts at being a hopeless drawer.  Her son is quickly stepping up to show her how it is done.  This is called Playlistening, and you can use it very directly in response to some challenge your child is feeling overwhelmed by.  For a short time, you’re a bad drawer, you can’t throw the ball right and keep dropping catches, you lose in wrestling, or you can’t tie your shoelaces up.

Roughhousing to recover from fear

Around these kinds of lighter (and sometimes heavier) fears, we sometimes need to tackle the issue less directly.  We want to encourage our child, not point out her problem. Sometimes it doesn’t work to respond directly at the time she shows you her discouragement.

Taking a less direct approach also has other advantages.  The fears that are making your child afraid to take risks, try new things, or make mistakes, will probably be making other things difficult as well.  Perhaps she is fearful or shy, or separations or bedtimes are hard, or she is waking, afraid, in the night.

You’ll never be wasting your time if you move in with a general roughhouse.  Anthony DeBenedet and Lawrence Cohen, in their book “The Art of Roughhousing” make the bold claim that “Play – especially active physical play, like roughhousing – makes kids smart, emotionally intelligent, lovable and likable, ethical, physically fit and joyful.”^[2] Their book is a wonderful list of ways you can use physical play with children to these ends.

Roughhousing can include simple things like pillow fights, chasing through the house, horsey rides that end with you bucking your child (carefully, but not too carefully) off onto a soft carpet, contests in which she jumps on the bed or the sofa while you try (but mostly fail) to catch her feet, and putting her on your back and giving her bouncy rides around the house.^[3].  Be careful not to overwhelm her, but to provide her with just enough challenge that you’re not a “pushover”.

Again, it will help to take the less powerful, less capable role in play, and adopt a goofy, cheerful tone.  Your aim is to give her a sense of her power and strength, and your guide is her laughter – which is how she works through feelings of fear.  A key ingredient is joy: “when the play circuits…are activated, especially by roughhousing, the result is joy”^[4]

When laughter turns to tears

If the play gets tight (your child starts to get nasty, hits too hard, or looks like she really wants to hurt you), or your child starts to get upset, then you have the option of stopping to listen to her.  Her anger, loud feelings, and sadness are a productive process,  resolving tight feelings around having to get things right, and how hard it is to risk mistakes and missteps as she learns to do something.

So if anyone isn’t having fun, you’ll need to back off, change the play, or, perhaps, stop and listen to the upset that has bubbled up.  Your connected, joyous play has created the safety for your child to bring up harder feelings.  On the other side of the upset (this time, or the next (-;) they will feel more confident and prepared to try new things.

No need to go it alone!

Madeleine loves to help: why not book a Free 20 Minute Consultation, and she can help direct you to the best resources and support.

Endnotes:

[1] Wipfler, Patty. Listening to children:  Tantrums and Indignation . San Francisco, CA: Hand in Hand, 2006. E-book p4 [back to article]
[2] Cohen, Lawrence, and Anthony DeBenedet. The Art of Roughhousing: Good Old Fashioned Horseplay and Why Every Kid Needs It. Quirk Books, 2010. P13 [back to article]
[3] Wipfler, Patty. “When Things Don’t Go Perfectly: How to Help Kids with Perfectionism.” Hand in Hand Parenting, 9 Aug. 2013, Accessed 23 Feb 2024. [back to article]
[4] Cohen, Lawrence, and Anthony DeBenedet. The Art of Roughhousing. Quirk Books, 2010. P23 [back to article]

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