It wasn’t until I had a child that I understood some very important things about how our society works. Even small things can make parenting hard – somebody was going to mind your child for a couple of hours but did not turn up. But for a long time, powerful forces have lined up in a way that would make parenting difficult for most of us, no matter what our circumstances are…
“My 14 year old daughter has got into some friendships which I don’t think are all that good for her. We are close and she tells me everything. I’m just not sure how I should respond when she tells me some of the stuff that is going on?”
Knowing when to offer your opinion, and when to just listen is one of the more challenging parenting moments. As your child gets older, you will feel this impulse to interfere or do something to “protect” them. At least sometimes, you will know that it doesn’t make sense to act on that feeling. They no longer need your help in the way they did when they were four! But how do you know when to unleash your “Mumma Bear”, and when to hang back?
When you master the art of roughhousing, you send a strong message to your children: Your power is welcome here, this is a place for you to be strong and confident, I will keep you safe, and we will be closer and more connected than ever.[1]
Rough (but safe), boisterous physical play is a kind of Playlistening. It is incredibly helpful to young people (and it’s good for us grown-ups too). DeBenedet and Cohen, who have written a lovely book which details the theory and practice of this kind of play, make a bold claim:
“Play – especially active physical play, like roughhousing – makes kids smart, emotionally intelligent, lovable and likable, ethical, physically fit, and joyful.”[2]
What parent wouldn’t want that?
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Is your child getting frustrated about something they want or have to learn? Are they giving up trying something that you think they would like to do if they weren’t feeling so frustrated? Are they starting to say things like “I’m no good at [insert Maths, puzzles, skipping etc]? Are they disappointed in, or critical of, themselves if the results of their efforts are not “perfect”? Or are the not willing to try if they aren’t sure they know how to do something?
None of us want our children to become discouraged or to give up on things that are challenging or important just because it feels hard. How can we help them?
I often talk about our “Relationship Bank Accounts”. We have several – with each of the members of our family, in various combinations, and with our friends and acquaintances. The currency in those Bank Accounts is Connection, and we need to be making deposits regularly, in small and big ways.
That’s because the challenges in life (including setting a limit) eat up Connection Credit. Those challenges can be personal, within our family, or can come from outside the family.
And good sense of connection will also help your child through times when big feelings are getting in the way of their ability to think, or their ability to make workable decisions, or stay out of trouble. So how does this Bank Account work?
It’s the turn of a year, and I’m sad and I’m glad. Sad for our planet. Sad for the ways we harm and another. Sad for the fact that it seems so much work to get things done right: enough hospitals, enough transport, enough food. Enough peace.
And I’m glad…
Can you believe this? This nugget of wisdom is perhaps the most important thing that I learned when I first came across Hand in Hand Parenting.
So much of the advice about how to handle a range of parenting challenges, and about limit setting in general, suggests that it’s super important to “hold the line” and remain consistent in the limits we set. And when we can’t manage this, we often feel bad about our parenting.
In reality, we change our minds, and our plans, more often than we realise. Probably several times a day. Our children are watching, and they know this, and in general they can make sense of it. It’s when we are emotionally inconsistent that they get confused.
How come children so often don’t want to be strapped into their car seat?
You’ve rushed out the door, already late, loaded up with all the stuff you seem to need to carry around once you’ve had children. Fling open the car door to get your child into the car seat only to be faced with the day’s next major challenge: how to get her into it.
Let’s face it: your kid has to be safe in the car, and that means that in the end, strapping her in is non-negotiable. It has to happen.
Is screen time and television at the end of the day a challenge for you and your family?
In this family, my friend and her son arrive home. They’ve been out all day, and everyone is a little spent and disconnected after separate days out in the world.
Ben (who is 8): dumps his bag down by the door and jumps on his screen, logging into his favourite streaming platform to watch cartoons.
Mum (my friend), asks: “How was school today?”
Ben (now engrossed in cartoons), replies: “fine.”
Mum (a flash of irritation), thinks: “I wish he wouldn’t get stuck on the computer so fast. Anyway, I’ve got better things to do than try to extract anything from him now.”
In the perfect world, it would be great to do some Special Time at this point. It’s a great way to reconnect, and (with younger kids at least) much more effective than asking questions (-; But most of us find it hard at that time of day to be organised enough to manage Special Time.
Here’s a story of a mother and her daughter at the beginning of their long summer break. She’s trying to get through the holidays by doing Special Time early in the day with her 8 year old daughter, to get things set the right way at the beginning of the day.