Category Archives: Blog

Kids piling on top of parents.

Safely exploring fear – “Wrestlemania” at our house

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When you master the art of roughhousing, you send a strong message to your children: Your power is welcome here, this is a place for you to be strong and confident, I will keep you safe, and we will be closer and more connected than ever.[1]

Rough (but safe), boisterous physical play is a kind of Playlistening.  It is incredibly helpful to young people (and it’s good for us grown-ups too). DeBenedet and Cohen, who have written a lovely book which details the theory and practice of this kind of play, make a bold claim:

“Play – especially active physical play, like roughhousing – makes kids smart, emotionally intelligent, lovable and likable, ethical, physically fit, and joyful.”[2]

What parent wouldn’t want that?
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A child holds her hand to their face in frustration, lying on a rug with with music papers surrounding them.

Help your child with Frustration and Discouragement

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Is your child getting frustrated about something they want or have to learn? Are they giving up trying something that you think they would like to do if they weren’t feeling so frustrated? Are they starting to say things like “I’m no good at [insert Maths, puzzles, skipping etc]? Are they disappointed in, or critical of, themselves if the results of their efforts are not “perfect”? Or are the not willing to try if they aren’t sure they know how to do something?

None of us want our children to become discouraged or to give up on things that are challenging or important just because it feels hard.  How can we help them?

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Mini toy Santa under cocktail umbrella in the sun

Wishing you the best for 2024

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I’m sad and I’m glad

It’s the turn of a year, and I’m sad and I’m glad. Sad for our planet. Sad for the ways we harm and another. Sad for the fact that it seems so much work to get things done right: enough hospitals, enough transport, enough food. Enough peace.

And I’m glad…

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Young boy splashing in the water with closed eyes pokes his tongue out at the camera.

On Consistency

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Consistency is not vital

Can you believe this? This nugget of wisdom is perhaps the most important thing that I learned when I first came across Hand in Hand Parenting.

So much of the advice about how to handle a range of parenting challenges, and about limit setting in general, suggests that it’s super important to “hold the line” and remain consistent in the limits we set. And when we can’t manage this, we often feel bad about our parenting.

The importance of being “seen”

In reality, we change our minds, and our plans, more often than we realise. Probably several times a day. Our children are watching, and they know this, and in general they can make sense of it.  It’s when we are emotionally inconsistent that they get confused.

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Child with brown hair sits facing away from the camera looking at bright colours on a large TV screen which is out of focus.

Switching off the Screen – How to Set Limits Around Screen Time

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Is screen time and television at the end of the day a challenge for you and your family?

In this family, my friend and her son arrive home. They’ve been out all day, and everyone is a little spent and disconnected after separate days out in the world.

several school bags dumped in a cornerBen (who is 8): dumps his bag down by the door and jumps on his screen, logging into his favourite streaming platform to watch cartoons.

Mum (my friend), asks: “How was school today?”

Ben (now engrossed in cartoons), replies: “fine.”

Mum (a flash of irritation), thinks: “I wish he wouldn’t get stuck on the computer so fast.  Anyway, I’ve got better things to do than try to extract anything from him now.”

In the perfect world, it would be great to do some Special Time at this point. It’s a great way to reconnect, and (with younger kids at least) much more effective than asking questions (-;  But most of us find it hard at that time of day to be organised enough to manage Special Time.

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Brown skinned person holding hands with another.

The value of staying in touch, however you can

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As some of you may be aware, I run a Facebook page. It’s kinda interesting, though I can’t say that it’s where my energy is. I’m old, and wasn’t really born to embrace social media. But it’s forced me to learn a little about how it works, and allowed me to notice both what’s bad and tedious about it, and also what’s good.

Several of you are followers of my page, I am sure. But I have one very loyal follower. I think she has liked, or generously commented, on nearly every post I’ve made. Continue reading →

Mini toy Santa under cocktail umbrella in the sun

All the best for 2022

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Dear parents, wishing you the best for this time of year.

I doubt you’ll be altogether happy – we’d be disappointed if we undertook this venture in pursuit of happiness. That may come, on occasion. But deeper is the worthiness of this work, is our integrity as we work through the barriers that get in the way of connecting with our children.

This is where we discover our own goodness in the face of a task almost impossible. And in reaching for our children, we discover the goodness of the little people we once were, and reach for ourselves, rather than leave our own little ones behind. Because we need company.

So my wish for you in this journey, over which, in the end, we don’t have much control, is company. Strong, solid, wise, generous company. Thankyou for accompanying me this year. Here’s to more company, whatever this next year brings.

~Madeleine

Christmas greeting with photo of santa under cocktail umbrella in the sun

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©2021 by Madeleine Winter.
The featured image above is “Christmas in the Heat” by Ivan Diaz
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It’s hard, and it’s not our fault

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Covid-19 virus with crowns of hearts.

We need to keep a steadfast perspective: this is not our fault. What is being asked of us is necessary, but unreasonable. It is hard because of that, not because we have somehow not figured out the trick to doing it well. We are good. Our children are good. We want to come out of this holding each other close, if not physically, then emotionally. That is the most important thing. We all need to be held close.

A lot is being asked of us as parents at the moment. Managing school-at-home and work-at-home, working parents are running the risk of being “ground up in the gears” as the world of work and the world of schooling collide in the privacy of our home.

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Burning out

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Mother pays attention to her child

This is fascinating. My own experience of all this is of a vague sense of displacement, discouragement, sadness, disconnection. Hard to put a finger on. Then I meet someone – today, the young GP at the local medical practice who I’ve never met before, and may not meet again.  And I feel better. We weren’t meant to be isolated from one another.

I’m not suffering trauma – illness, loss of work, serious financial stress – like so many are. But I’m suffering the loss of what was normal, predictable, finely balanced to keep me just on the right side of hopeful. 

This short news segment is worth a listen. He studies burnout, and says in the current environment, women are particularly vulnerable, as they shoulder the majority of the burden of managing work and children at home. So if you are feeling a little overwhelmed, take heart: it is overwhelming and impossible to do well enough. Its ridiculous to expect to be able to supervise young children and be employed at work at the same time in the same space. Be kind to yourselves, conscientious mothers.

https://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/drive/will-i-suffer-burnout-thanks-to-covid-19/12226002