When our kids first start school, it can be so infuriating that they often aren’t interested in telling us much about their day. (And as the parent of a teen, I can tell you that it is often the same when they get older!)
Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand in Hand Parenting, explains why you don’t get much of an answer when you ask the question “How was school today?”. She explains how to use Special Time to reconnect – with young children, and those heading into adolescence. Continue reading
Recently, we visited a local mosque, and put scarves on in solidarity. My daughter told the reporter “We are here to be together as one big family group.”
“Together” is the watchword for dealing with news of violence or death. “What can we do together, as a family, to remember those who died, and offer our caring?” is a healing question.
Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Parenting
In the last few days, we confronted the news of yet another dreadful act carried out against people who were just going about their daily life. We face the tragedy and sadness of it: we may have family and friends who are directly affected in large or small ways; our hearts go out to the people directly affected, and the police and emergency services employees who put themselves on the line to deal with the situation, and to the communities who are touched by these events and the backlash which will inevitably follow.
We may worry about how safe we really are, so far away, but similarly vulnerable. Even if we manage to avoid becoming pre-occupied with events as they unfold, it will in any case play out over weeks on our television screens, radios and newsfeeds.
As adults, we can put these events into a bigger context. We know that people can and will band together to pull through. Our children don’t always have such a big picture and it makes it hard for them to make sense of what they are seeing and hearing. Continue reading
More on the topic of Pre-Teens. If you have Pre-Teen children, you will know that things start to change. Special Time can be a great tool for parents and children to stay connected through times of change, including times when we don’t feel we really understand each other.
Special Time – a dedicated period of time where we put aside our pre-occupations and concerns, pay full attention to our child, and delight in them – begins to change as your children’s interests change. But the magic that it works still applies: it builds emotional safety into our relationship with our children at a particularly important time.
And when we do this, children will start to show us their upsets. By the time they are 8, 9 10, some of those upsets will be about us, and much will be about what it has been like being a young person for 10 years or so, in a world that does not treat young people with much respect.
We need to listen warmly at these times, giving our children all the attention we can muster. Inevitably, the upsets will tend to be scrappier and less direct than using the process with younger children. When they were little we could being them onto our lap and hold them as they sobbed out their sorrows, but now they are more “defended” and their sorrows have hardened into anger, and we are working hard just to keep our foot in the door, before it slams (literally and metaphorically!).
But every bit of warm, non-judgemental hanging-in-there with our Pre-Teens makes a difference. They notice EVERYTHING we do, and it all still matters to them.
Here’s a great article by Hand in Hand Founder, Patty Wipfler, on just what is going on for our Pre-Teen children, and for us:
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/article/helping-angry-preteens/
